I had another visit from a sweet recent widowed employee George. This was my third visit since his wife passed 4 weeks ago. I really had never met the man before this.
He came in to change more forms and pulled me aside hurridly and whispered "But I have one more question too."
"Sure George, whats up"
He is obviously upset and keeps wringing his hands, then he looks at me: "What do I do with this?" Pulling at his wedding ring, "Someone asked me when I was going to take it off, and I didn't know the rule. Do I have to take it off?"
Ughh! He nearly broke my poor widowed overly-sensitive heart!
"George! You do whatever the hell you want to do."
"Ohh, ok. Someone asked me, and I didn't know the answer and I thought I'd ask you." He's still nervously fidgeting with his ring. Obviously not satisfied that he was doing the "right thing". **But I am a little flattered that I have suddenly become the how-to-be-widowed expert to a man 2.5 times my age.**
I inhale a deep breath and realize that attacking him into standing up for himself probably isn't the best technique (though usually my go-to method regardless).
"George," I ask, a bit more gently. "Do you still feel married?"
"Well, yes...."
"Then you are still married. Until you want to take that ring off, or move it to the other hand - you have no obligation. Some people leave their wedding rings on for months, some leave it on for years - some only days. Its completely up to you."
He seems relieved that he doesn't have to leave behind his precious ring. We continue on with the rest of the meeting.
...
I really love that he comes and visits me as often as possible. He always shares his achievements in the grief world."I made it past one month!" "I figured out the washing machine!"
We all need a cheerleader sometimes
...
I LOVE my wedding set - it is very similar to my grandmothers - because it was her mother's. I knew the second that I saw it that it would be my wedding ring. My grandmother had just returned from visiting my cousins and passing out family heirlooms *like grandmas do* and she asked me if I'd like "this". And she pulled out the most perfect wedding set I'd ever seen. It had a unique "crown-like" setting that held the stone close instead of putting it on display and a simple white gold band. It currently had a crystal in it because it was my great-grandmother's "traveling set". This was even more perfect! Mike and I got to pick out the stone we wanted and make it our own. This ring, it just means so much to me, even if I only got to wear it for less than 3 years.
 |
| Band of black stones on a gold side for Mike, and a band of white diamonds on a white gold band for myself. |
I think I may replace the diamond in my great-grandmother's setting with a sapphire someday so it can be reclaimed as my own and worn on my right hand. I'm not really in an expensive-jewelry-wearing place right now. So we'll just wait and see. I also wish I wouldn't have been so timid about listening to my heart and its desires with my ring in the beginning.
I hereby give permission
(because sometimes we feel as if we need to be granted permission)
to anyone to do anything they want
with respect to their wedding rings and their own grief.
Tell them "some crazy widow who calls herself 'button and beans' told me I could!"
What have you done with your ring?
I've seen beautiful tennis bracelets made, new rings, necklaces....feel free to share your story here - it gives hope and validation to other people who are fighting the same fight.With Love and Light,
Jess
2 comments:
I wore my wedding ring for about 7 months after my wife's death, until one day I'd taken it off in the shower and suddenly realized I felt so much lighter not wearing it. To test it out, I'd put it back on, and the heaviness came with it. It's been off my hand ever since. Right now, my wedding ring and hers are sitting together in one of the boxes they came in. Her hands were enough smaller than mine that her ring fits nicely within my own. I don't know that I'll ever wear it again, but I'm good with having it.
I liked the approach you took with him, asking if he still feels married. That sounds like a much better criterion to use than how long it's been or how many people think what. It also does a good job of putting it back into the realm where what he's feeling and how he's doing are the most important things.
---Sean
I just found this post, and really enjoyed it. You wrote it just a few days after my husband and I were married, just a few days after he put the ring on my finger. I'm only three and a half months out, and I still wear it. Right now, I feel like I'll never take it off. But, as we know, plans change, so we'll see. Thanks for giving me permission to do whatever I want about the ring.
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