Lately I have noticed a change in myself. Something shifted. I no longer automatically refer to Mike as "my late husband". There are a lot of people who don't even know that I was once married. When he comes up in anticdote I sometimes refer to him as "my first husband". But always with a smile.

A year ago, I couldn't imagine not speaking about Mike. Not making sure that EVERYONE knew that I was once married, he had left and now I was a widow. Doctors, grocers who inquired about my crying over the produce, mechanics who questioned my inability to make a decision without staring at my phone - wanting to call Mike but not knowing the number to heaven: all of them heard that I USED to have my act together, and death ripped it apart.

Maybe its because I'm less "apart" these days. I don't feel conflicted, or even guilty about living. I don't feel mad at Mike the way I used to. And I don't feel like I need to justify his absence with the shock word "widowed".

This doesn't mean that I feel any less widowed, I guess I don't feel just widowed anymore. I've been married to Mike in death longer than I was in life. We spent 8 (mostly) happy years of our lives intertwined. That may be a lie. We probably spent 6 1/2 (mostly) happy years and 1 1/2 insanely hellish (with blotches of joy) years.

I believe that being with Mike was the most revolutionary force in my life to date. But that doesn't mean he, or even his death, has been the only force. The sands of the desert are scarred by wind, sun and water. Etching deep samskara or scars/grooves that show the next rounds of breath and tears the paths that have already been carved.

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There will be more pain, there will be more loss. There are more arguments, more relationships. Though each is affected by the existing scars, the new experiences shape the scenery and are constantly changing it into something new.

My landscape has now been shaped by so much since the loss of Mike, that though the chasms of his death remain, the lines are no longer sharp and the edges not so steep. They have been weathered and worn with time and patience.

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Here's a song that I heard that completely expresses how I feel about Mike and our marriage. It brings happy, contented tears to my eyes every time. No Regrets.

 Darling, no regrets
I'm so glad we met
Even though we made a mess
I'm glad we said yes
Darling, no regrets

You know I love you still
and I always will.
Love is not a test,
I know we did our best.
darling, no regrets

oh darling,
no regrets
oh darling,
no regrets

Darling, no regrets
Here's to your success
may all you do be blessed
i wish you every happiness
darling, no regrets

oh darling,
no regrets
oh darling,
no regrets

- "No Regrets"  Forest Sun

With Love and Light,
Jess

How are you doing on your journey?

Check in for the 30 day challenge

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I wanted to check in and share a success story of the 30 day challenge as motivation for those of you who might be struggling (like me admittedly).

About a week ago I put out the challenge to anyone that was willing to accept it to make a small but sustainable change (you can see the original post here). I was inspired by a TED talk that I'd listened to and all of the happy women returning from Camp Widow speaking about their affirmations.

I have continued to be inspired as people have shared with me what they are challenging themselves to do and as I've heard their check ins along the way.

Here's one of my favorites from a beautiful soul Claire:
Day 1: she challenged herself to walk 15 min a day.
Evening of Day 1: I receive this message from Claire:
"So I had to work late tonight, then I stopped at my parents' house for dinner. Got home after 9 and there was a cocktail made and waiting for me. The perfect storm of excuses to not start today. I know that there will be days in the future where it will be easy to make excuses and I will try. That is why I STARTED TONIGHT! If my first day was a day full of potential excuses, then I can overcome any other ones in the next 30 days and after that. So proud of myself for starting tonight and looking forward to the next 29 days! Tomorrow, I just have to remember to wear bugspray for my walk ;) Thank you for all of your encouragement and inspiration ♥"

I am so amazed by Claire!

She DID have the perfect storm of situations to not start her challenge. I might have had the cocktail first, then thought about walking after ;)  But she knew the importance of making a commitment.

Listen to how she rocks it on Day 6:
The walking challenge is phenomenal! My times get better every day. It is becoming routine so no matter what, I walk. No excuses. I am so thrilled to be doing this and I am so grateful to you for posting the challenge. And it's only day 6 :D"

 'Make a commitment and the forces of the universe will conspire to make it happen' Goethe

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Way to go!

Here is a list of the challenges that I've heard so far. Its not too late to pick one and start. 

• Work out 30 min a day
• Make the bed daily & say personal affirmation with intention while making the bed
• Write for 15 min a day
• Exercise 2x a week + increased activity daily
• Personal affirmation in the morning and evening, and whenever reminded during the day (layered with personal compliments - 1 a day)
• Resorative yoga daily
• Take a photo a day
• Pushups daily

I personally am writing one true thing a day in a google doc. I don't know where it will go. But isn't that the adventure!

"As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives." — Henry David Thoreau

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How are you doing? How successful have you been? Share your success and struggles. 

With love and light, 

Jess

I was reading an inspiring book today about creating a world beyond poverty called The Blue Sweater. I was highlighting quote after quote on my kindle.
The words on the page were speaking to me:
not only giving respect but insisting on respect, 
how much crueler the poverty of a broken spirit can be than the poverty of income alone,
listening as the key to leadership, 
action over talk as the catalyst of change. 

Then as I read I came to a line where I *gently* tossed the kindle aside and went running for the laptop because today's blog post had made itself known:
"My first-grade nun had instructed me that from those to whom much is given, much is expected. I was learning that this lesson had to be combined with Shakespeare's wisdom that one must 'to thine own self be true.' "

To thine own self be true.

That is the difference between the Jessica that stands and writes and bears her soul in front of you today and the Jessica of years and situations past.

I used to be too afraid to write, even a month ago - I couldn't comprehend who would care what I'm saying, and who would read. The fear of rejection was terrifying, so was the fear of success.

Who am I to write? Who am I to ask people to read what I write?

Then I realized....it didn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

If nobody reads this blog, it doesn't matter.

If someone dislikes this blog - still doesn't matter.

Will I embarrass my family, myself....doesn't matter.

I learned something from a dear widow friend of mine almost 2 years ago - Don't go along with something if it is not being true to yourself. You can only grieve, recover, flourish and thrive if you are true to yourself first. This was again reaffirmed a year ago when I met another radiant widow who again had vibrancy, purity and a spirit that was unmistakable. I asked her about her secret, for a second time I heard...following/finding your own north star.

The best part of being true to yourself is that you have nothing to apologize for.

Since I started on the journey of living for myself
I have never cried so purely,
I have never laughed so freely,
I have never loved so deeply,
I have never swam so naked,
I have never danced so confidently
as I do now that the only thing that matters is that I am being true to myself.

I have built a fence,
traveled internationally,
studied yoga,
gained control over my food allergies,
buried a husband - but remained open enough to love again,
counseled friends,
attended a music festival with 80,000 other people,
cried in public,
sold my house,
Most importantly I have released old dreams so that new ones could take seed.

It doesn't bother me if someone doesn't like that I am writing, or what I am writing. Because I don't write for them (obviously!) If what I write doesn't speak to their soul as something they need to hear, so what? That fact does not negate the fact that it may speak to another person's soul.

In the past 2 weeks I have seen that I can instil confidence, inspire self-reflection, encourage peace. Just by being willing to find myself in the open.*Who would have thought?*

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are we not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone.
And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others.
Source: A Return to Love-Marianne Williamson, 
as quoted by Nelson Mandela in his inaugural speech (1994)

My purpose in writing this blog is not to be pigeonholed into any category (widow, activist, yogi), or to break any stereotype (that of the young widow, that of the bleeding heart, or the granola hippie).  Instead, it is to be true to myself. To honestly convey the feelings and motivations and inspirations that drive my day.
Hopefully to inspire and encourage even one more person to do the same.
I used to shy away and hide myself - for fear of being judged, for fear of not being good enough.
I will fear these things no more as long as I am true.

THIS WILL BE MY 30 DAY CHALLENGE:

To write down something every day that is TRUE.
True to myself.
It might be funny, it might be insightful, it might be tough to say...but it will all be true.

Another musing from my yoga mat.

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I have an idea to bounce off of you. I heard these two phrases while in yoga class on Saturday:


"What did you offer of yourself to your practice."
"Observe what you have received/accomplished/reached during your practice."

These concepts have changed the way I've try to frame my day.

I believe that the energy you send into a day is your offering to the universe.

OH WOW! You're telling me that when I'm having a crappy day, I should look back at what I was offering to the day, and see if it was only giving my own steaming piles of grumpy right back at me?

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Sometimes we think that day after day is crap that is just beating us down. And some days are just crap - unfair piles of crap - we all have those. And nothing is going to change that. But what if some of it lies on our shoulders.....

What if we are accountable for what we are offering the universe. 

What if we can only observe the good, if we offered good?

I like to believe that there is a balance of good and bad in the universe. If I wake up and put more negativity into the world - running late, spilling the coffee, tripping over the cat, yelling at the other cars, and arriving like a giant grumpy face - what else is the world supposed to give me back?

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I have offset the balance with my own negativity.

BUT! If I sing in the shower, pet the cat when I wake him up, listen to happy music (even if I'm late) and try to take it all in stride....maybe the events of my day won't have been ANY DIFFERENT - but when I look back and reflect on my day - what will I remember? I'll remember the sweet kitty who licked me, the goofy looks I got from other drivers while I sang and danced in the car, and all the other mediocre details that made the day not so bad. 

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Your Challenge:

Take a second when things are calm tonight. Observe what kind of a day you had. Observe the good and the bad. Observe what you are offering the universe: but don't judge. If you don't think you put your best offerings forward today - set the intention of what kind of energy you want to offer tomorrow. Maybe even leave yourself a sticky note in the bathroom or on the fridge.

Your Response:

What is your intention for tomorrow?

What little things can you do to improve your day?

What did you observe that you'd like to remember?
Maybe make a list of little joys and happiness to remember on those days when the negativity won't stop flowing.

PS - My happiness of the day....Its my birthday and I'm listening to the new Joss Stone album!

Yoga and real life tend to overlap. 

I get that moment of clarity and AH-HA! realization that I've been searching for all day/week.

The leadup:

I'm laying restlessly peacefully in shavasana (dead fish pose at the end of a yoga practice) and trying fiercely to clear my mind. *yeah because THAT works* The triumph and humbling nature of a butt kicking yoga class makes a difference. But I can't fool myself.... Its one week until "the day", the 2-year mark, and everything about my psyche and body can't be fooled into thinking its not coming. I'm not sleeping well, I'm not focusing well, my patience is low, my give-a-damn is busted, and I just want to be alone (but I also want to be held like a child at the same time - very confusing).

Then I hear the magical words of the day. The lean and beautiful yogi paces the room with a calm voice that floats into your resting head like where clouds meet ocean spray: "I want you to check in with yourself. Is there anything that you can let go of? Is there anywhere where you could be a little softer."

And it hits me. Damn! Maybe if I could let go of a few things, this would be easier. Maybe if I softened a few things, I would be more at peace. I stew on this for a while, making a mental note to write this all down when I leave class. *notice, I'm still thinking instead of resting*

Then the yogi strikes again. "Check in with the intentions you set, notice them without judgement. Let it pass back out of you."

She has returned to the one lesson I clung to most when I started practicing yoga....be present, be honest with what is going on, but DO NOT JUDGE YOURSELF. If I am overeating/ undereating/ drinking/ sleeping/ bitching, I try to realize it, realize what I am doing and *hopefully* why I am doing it without judgement. **This is the key, and I'll say it again: WITHOUT JUDGEMENT**

Here is my mantra of the moment, what I tell myself, and anyone else who will listen when they are having a down on themselves day: You are a logical, strong, smart person - everything you do (even the seemingly self-destructive things) probably have the best intentions at the root. And unless you fulfill these intentions through a different method, you are bound to repeat it. If you are trying to change, try doing it with love- not tough love.  

So this is my challenge, to myself and anyone else who would like to partake: What can you let go of? Where can you soften? Can you release it without judgement?

I know that there is a lot of this with my widow (and non-widow) friends: there is family, in-laws, friends, coworkers, even late spouses - and sometimes we have little nagging negativities that we are hanging on to. But it is only hurting us- the soul harboring that negativity/grudge, day in and out. Can we let it go? Or part of it go? Or send it some positive light and peace so the walls around it can break down and soften.

The person that said the thing that really hurt you. The co-workers that said they would be there, but promptly were busy with other things. The friend that got frustrated and let hurtful words slip. The dog that won't stop barking, the kid that won't stop whining, those pounds we can't loose. Can we let it all go?

While we do all of this, can we do it without judgement? We probably have those grudges for good reason. *Look for holding grudges vs. learning lessons in a future blog post....it is on the agenda. But that doesn't mean that the grudge, the negative part of the lesson, has any place on our journey of healing and happiness.

Your response:

What do you think? Can you do it? What little thing can you let go of today?


With love and light, 
Jess

PS - its my first post, on my first blog, leave me some lovins!