Wonderful women - All widows - All living life
Truly some of the best spirits I've been blessed with knowing. 

Why I love being a widow

It probably sounds morbid and crass
insensitive or uncouth to say,
but it is my story: “I love being a widow”.

I am lucky
I have found myself while still young
through primal and fundamental loss.
Loss of a husband at 25.

I do not like who I was before
before loss, before widow.
Turns out, Love isn’t enough
when mental illness is involved.

I was defining our relationship with negativity:
secrecy, isolation, guilt
short tempered, impatient, embarrassed
I missed the beauty
of what time we had left.

I “motivated” him with anger and intolerance.
Success and reprieve eluded him
the doctors were wrong,
nothing could bring back the boy I fell in love with
or the man he was trying to be.

Only substance offered moments of silence,
the last drops of a compressed can quieting the persistent chatter
that existed in the empty house.

Comfort wasn’t found in my arms,
the arms of his wife.
Only disapproval and hope for the future.

There was no future,
I wish I had loved
instead of trying to fix what couldn’t be.

After loss
I found myself.
No longer hiding
in the faults of others.
Bare and broken,
grieving and without purpose:
I chose to get back up

It was obvious that something was missing
something fundamental.
My life before had purpose,
but it was missing love and acceptance.  

I cannot control the darkness in others
I try not to try.
To do what I can to accept and love
in the moment.
Moments are all that is left
when our loved ones are only memories.

Weakness makes us human
acceptance of weakness makes us humble,
Humility allows us to ask for help
Asking for and receiving help is the pure beauty in this world.

Why do I love being a widow?
These words that I have written,
they did not belong to me two years ago.
I lived in fear of the inevitable
I lost my chance to love.

Now:
Now I love, Now I accept
I accept fear,
I love the inevitable darkness

When you hide from the darkness,
the demons only grow.
Standing in line like angry travelers at customs.
They are waiting for you to acknowledge them
to stamp their passport and invite them in.

You leave them in line,
they grow:
angrier, harrier and far more foul smelling.
Tempers flare and they stomp their feet.

Only once you have invited them in
Brought them tea and cookies and asked
“what business do you have here?”
Then you are loving your demon,
showing it respect. Giving it validation.
It is always there for a reason.

Only then are you open,
open to the universe and open enough to let the demons pass through.
And leave you in peace.

I love my demons,
I love myself,
I love the raw beauty of widowhood
and the opportunity to continue to love and accept others during their rawest time.

*Previously featured at http://www.griefproject.org/stories-list

On a Natural...lighter note:

Natural & Effective Alternatives

I don't like the idea of having tons of chemicals in my home. Its bad for me, bad for my pets, and bad for my health. Most commercial products contain known carcinogens, neurotoxins, and other nasties that irritate asthma and other sensitive systems.

Here's a list of my favorite natural alternatives:

Fabric Softener:

I replace fabric softener *which I'm very allergic to* with white vinegar. It helps to get rid of the "boy funk" to clothes, and makes your towels fluffier. Just add a few tablespoons (1-3) to your "fabric softener" cup in the washing machine *or straight into the wash* and you're set!

Carpet Cleaner:

Just pain 'ol Baking Soda. I now buy it in bulk because I use baking soda in everything: getting stains out of clothes, stains out of stemware, and track-marks out of my carpet. Just sprinkle it on your carpet the night after a party *like the one seen below* and traipse around on it for a while, then vacuum it (and your dirt) back up. It helps to keep things fresher. 

We pose with spices - to keep things SPICY!

Ant Relocater (not killer, just forceful relocation)  

This photo is actually leaf cutter ants from our trip to Costa Rica  - much cooler than backyard ants!

We had a whole bunch of ants that seemed to pop up over night on one of the stepping stones in the back yard. Just SWARMING the place where I need to step to avoid getting my heels stuck in the mud on my way to the carport. We mixed cinnamon and cayenne pepper = voila! The next day I saw them marching their little family across the carport and into the sunset - never to be seen again. 

Spider Repellent

I hate spiders! So much so that I used to joke that I married the Orkin Man just to keep them out. (yes, Mike sold Orkin for a summer, and kept all bugs at bay in our home). After he passed, I hired a bug company to keep the spiders and creepy crawlies out. *I hired them when I had a spider crawl down my bangs while I was watching tv*
You know what I didn't like about the pest control company? How bad it was on my asthma. Their "natural repellant" is chrysanthemum based and really bothered my lungs and the ASPCA lists it as toxic to cats. I decided to try something new at my newest home. *I was finding several spiders in the shower each morning BLECH! Not my optimal way to wake up!*

In a spray bottle mix: 1/2 white vinegar, 1/2 water + several drops eucalyptus oil (optional)

You will want to spray doors, windows and dark corners 1-2x a month during bad season. It has worked great. I don't see ANY spiders for at least 2 weeks after I spray, and the vinegar spray dissipates after an hour or two. 

Off of bugs - onto hair care

I know it sounds gross, but I haven't "shampooed" my hair since January. Yes, it is now August. I have been using the "no-poo" method of washing and cleaning my hair. I haven't used commercial shampoo at all, not even once. People go no-poo for a variety of reasons: paraben free, testing on animals, etc etc. I did it because shampoo gave me rashes, it just wasn't worth it anymore. Plus shampoo strips your hair of its natural oils, leaving it much more brittle and unhealthy. I swear my hair has doubled in volume over the past few months. It even holds curl now! I got a lot of advice from a few websites, then compiled my own concoctions with ingredients that I wasn't allergic to. Here is my hair yesterday - there are flyaways, but thats due to the attempt at headband curls - not lack of shampoo.

You've got to love the wood paneling right?

And regular freshly washed hair from today

Shampoo:

2cups boiling water

2T baking soda

I just mix this in a old water bottle and it lasts me a month or 2. Once-twice a week I use this when I'm massaging my scalp and it deodorizes and cleans.

Conditioner:

3/4 cup Water

1/4 cup Apple Cider Vinegar

2T agave nectar (or honey - if you aren't allergic)

8 drops peppermint EO

8 drops tea tree EO

+ whatever other EO/Fragrance oil sounds good at the time.

Again, I just mix it in an old water bottle and use it as a rinse every time I shampoo (sometimes in between as well if I feel like it)

I love my label maker. I label everything!

I hope you like my natural recipes. I have had a lot of friends ask about them, so I figured I'd share. Also, I want to keep the topics of my blog varied to my many interests, because we are well rounded individuals after-all   :)

My Challenge:

We all know there are far too many chemicals and preservatives in our lives. What one, little change could you make, even for one day, to reduce your exposure? Here are some ideas:

• Use fresh tomatoes (they are fresh, healthy, in-season, cheap and BPA free!) instead of canned tomatoes in your sauce tonight 
• Buy only "whole foods" at the store tonight: fruits, veggies, and products with less than 5 ingredients (if you can't pronounce the ingredients - it doesn't count. If you can't pronounce it, you probably can't digest it)
• Buy/transplant a houseplant - they are proven to reduce the chemicals that you breathe.
• Skip the fragrance lotions for a day, opt for a natural oil instead: jojoba, coconut, even olive oil is better for your skin than what you get at most stores. 
• Skip the water cooler at work and bring water from home in a BPA free container. These 3-5 gallon jugs contain BPA, you can read here where they say this is safe when its already been declared toxic in Canada.

Your Response:

Do you have any favorite natural substitutions around your house?  What can you do without for a day?

With Love and Light, 

Jess

Yoga and real life tend to overlap. 

I get that moment of clarity and AH-HA! realization that I've been searching for all day/week.

The leadup:

I'm laying restlessly peacefully in shavasana (dead fish pose at the end of a yoga practice) and trying fiercely to clear my mind. *yeah because THAT works* The triumph and humbling nature of a butt kicking yoga class makes a difference. But I can't fool myself.... Its one week until "the day", the 2-year mark, and everything about my psyche and body can't be fooled into thinking its not coming. I'm not sleeping well, I'm not focusing well, my patience is low, my give-a-damn is busted, and I just want to be alone (but I also want to be held like a child at the same time - very confusing).

Then I hear the magical words of the day. The lean and beautiful yogi paces the room with a calm voice that floats into your resting head like where clouds meet ocean spray: "I want you to check in with yourself. Is there anything that you can let go of? Is there anywhere where you could be a little softer."

And it hits me. Damn! Maybe if I could let go of a few things, this would be easier. Maybe if I softened a few things, I would be more at peace. I stew on this for a while, making a mental note to write this all down when I leave class. *notice, I'm still thinking instead of resting*

Then the yogi strikes again. "Check in with the intentions you set, notice them without judgement. Let it pass back out of you."

She has returned to the one lesson I clung to most when I started practicing yoga....be present, be honest with what is going on, but DO NOT JUDGE YOURSELF. If I am overeating/ undereating/ drinking/ sleeping/ bitching, I try to realize it, realize what I am doing and *hopefully* why I am doing it without judgement. **This is the key, and I'll say it again: WITHOUT JUDGEMENT**

Here is my mantra of the moment, what I tell myself, and anyone else who will listen when they are having a down on themselves day: You are a logical, strong, smart person - everything you do (even the seemingly self-destructive things) probably have the best intentions at the root. And unless you fulfill these intentions through a different method, you are bound to repeat it. If you are trying to change, try doing it with love- not tough love.  

So this is my challenge, to myself and anyone else who would like to partake: What can you let go of? Where can you soften? Can you release it without judgement?

I know that there is a lot of this with my widow (and non-widow) friends: there is family, in-laws, friends, coworkers, even late spouses - and sometimes we have little nagging negativities that we are hanging on to. But it is only hurting us- the soul harboring that negativity/grudge, day in and out. Can we let it go? Or part of it go? Or send it some positive light and peace so the walls around it can break down and soften.

The person that said the thing that really hurt you. The co-workers that said they would be there, but promptly were busy with other things. The friend that got frustrated and let hurtful words slip. The dog that won't stop barking, the kid that won't stop whining, those pounds we can't loose. Can we let it all go?

While we do all of this, can we do it without judgement? We probably have those grudges for good reason. *Look for holding grudges vs. learning lessons in a future blog post....it is on the agenda. But that doesn't mean that the grudge, the negative part of the lesson, has any place on our journey of healing and happiness.

Your response:

What do you think? Can you do it? What little thing can you let go of today?


With love and light, 
Jess

PS - its my first post, on my first blog, leave me some lovins!